I’m not even sure how to start this blog. This last year was the 5th year since Hosea went to heaven and words really can’t describe all that’s happened this year. “5” is the number of Grace. This year has truly been a year of grace, full of unexpected blessings, unprecedented personal growth, and the beginning of new things. God’s grace is the only way we have made it to this moment in time, as a family, stronger than we were before we started this journey. I am not the same mom to my children that I was before I met my son Hosea. His life has changed me forever. I’m not the same wife, business owner, or friend that I was before either. His short life here on earth, but an ongoing life in heaven, has taught me in this 5th year what God’s grace is really all about….it is “super” natural…not of this world or of anything we can produce on our own. In my weakness, HE is strong. When I partner with God and rely on His grace, I am truly supernatural because He is!! What I can do goes far beyond my own ability. For too long I’ve relied on my own strength. My own strength has not gotten me where I am today. It’s been God’s grace that has carried me here.
So as we head into our 6th year, we have had major heart revelation about just how “alive” our son is. He is not dead….he is risen. It’s not his death that has changed us….but his life that is ongoing. Our hearts ache for him still. No matter how much we’ve changed and grown through this tragedy, he is our son, a real person who was and is a part of our family. We held him, changed his diapers, had dreams for him. The girls, this year more than ever, have grieved his loss and realize that is still “stinks” that he isn’t here with us to celebrate life on earth. But at the end of the day, through tears, we always rest knowing that “He is risen….just as He said.” Because of Jesus, we will see our son soon!
We put together this video to show our birthday celebration this year. Hosea, Mommy and Daddy love you and can’t wait to hold you and enjoy life with you again soon. Your brother Asher Hosea talks about you every day and loves you, as do your sisters.
Today we decided to paint our thoughts and feelings….a picture is worth a thousand words. Each of the kids got their own canvas to paint whatever came to their hearts. Eden was determined to paint a portrait of Hosea at 6 years old.
Micaiah has had major breakthrough in her life in the last 2 weeks in regards to the loss of her brother. It has been life-changing to say the least. Her painting flowed out of all that God has done in her little heart. Thank You, Lord, that you heal! And the Finished Products:
Nathan has never painted in his life. This is what came out of listening to God as he painted today. The meaning of the painting is that God is holding Hosea and that God has pulled each of us out for Intimacy with Him (the world behind the hand). Hosea has already discovered this in it’s fullness, but each of us are in the process of discovering this. And this has been a huge truth that has helped Nathan….God is not the God of the dead, but of the living, meaning Hosea truly is alive. He is not dead.
And mine was a collage of many things that have happened in my life since Hosea. It’s far too much to write here, but here are a few thoughts. He was our number 3 son. That number has become very significant in our lives. BurstClub’s entire system revolves around the number 3. Micaiah was 3 when Hosea passed away. Nathan is a 3rd child. There are many 3s in our life and God is redeeming that number for us. Jesus is LIFE. Because of what He has done, dying for my sins, in my place, and raising again 3 days later, we can live life fully alive. We don’t have to survive. One day we will rise again, and Hosea already has. But it’s more than just “When we all get to heaven what a day THAT will be….” It’s about NOW too! He died and rose so that we can LIVE now. Loss, pain, trauma, tragedy…..we have been in a season of mourning. But joy comes in the morning. He has traded our mourning for dancing and has been calling me to “Rise up!” No more grave, no more sorrow, no more shame, no more going back to old ways of thinking that I’ve been set free from. He is calling all hearts who have been broken to rise up! He will put them back together again. He is the vine….and we abide in Him. This is where life is found. I lived most of my life thinking I had life….that I knew God. But it was all intellectual knowledge and based in religion….not true relationship where I live daily with Him. He is real and wants to talk with us every day. I’m experiencing that in new ways and it is way better than religion! 😉 Religion only brought death and performance, stress and striving, into my life. Relationship makes us fully alive! And the “H” in the left bottom corner represents New Life that has been ushered in to our lives when Hosea was born 6 years ago. We will never be the same. A new tree, with new branches and leaves have been planted. A new generation has begun. Our family wants MORE of Him…more waves of his mercy, grace, love, blessings, and favor. More visions, more dreams, more healing. More! And it’s a process (represented in the swirl).
Today ended with sending Hosea’s balloons like we always do. It was a good day….an emotional day. Eden cried for an hour after we let the balloons go. She had one of those moments that hits each of us at different times where we realize he is not here to love, hold, and raise. Our hope is in the fact that we WILL see him one day soon because of Jesus, but there are momentary “waves” of sadness that come and there is really nothing to do or say…you just cry. And it’s OK. My tears don’t make him come back, nor do they make it all better. But the tears release things that can stay bottled up inside. Micaiah cried early this morning as well over missing her brother so much. Her broken heart made me cry. At first that scared her…she hates to see me cry. But I told her when I cry with her that I”m sharing her tears and sharing the load she feels. She doesn’t need to worry about my heart. I’m just carrying her tears with her.
I’m thankful that these “waves” of sadness no longer end in despair. God has done so much in my heart and I can truly say, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run to it and are safe.” His name is where I rest….one day, one year, at a time.